At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
