Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
