My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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