I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
i've created a new STD.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
