Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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