i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
