Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
