he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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