awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
