Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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