I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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