you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize