I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
