and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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