i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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