We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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