Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
