I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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