the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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