there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
