All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
it was like having sex with a tree stump
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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