when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
