I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
