nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
