the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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