Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
