my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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