so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
