Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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