My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
