i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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