the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize