The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
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