Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
handjob tips. give me some.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
