im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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