I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
