we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I party with great urgency now.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
