i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Randomize
