we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
