im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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