so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
