he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
