don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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