fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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