I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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