I feel great
I just peed on a car
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
