i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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