When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
