just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
