she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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