I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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