the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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