I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
