end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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