i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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