were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize