Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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