I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
