I must be too annoying 4 u.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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