This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
